I had my final teacher training this weekend. WOW.. I feel like the 8 weekends went by in the blink of an eye. So many things struck me as aha moments this weekend. When I think about it though, it all boils down to one simple, yet extremely difficult task… being present. I am sure most of you are like me and are off and running in your head most days. “do I look fat? , I can’t believe I said that!, What if so and so doesn’t like me anymore?,,What if I fail at such and such..” The dialogue is endless and exhausting. I learned this really well yesterday.
Before our actual training each day, we take an hour and half class. I was really able to “be present” for a majority of the class that morning. It was great! I felt focused and calm. Confident and balanced. I was connected with the movement and my breath in a way I don’t think has ever happened before. Then the afternoon came. It was our last day. Most of us thought it would be easy, more of a party than anything. So trust me, when they said we were going to teach a 1.5 hour class …3 min per student I got up in my head so fast I am sure others could hear it spinning!
How it went was like this. They had one student start the class, then every 3 or so minutes call another name randomly and have that person get up and continue on for the next few minutes etc etc. This was a night mare come true for me. Not only did I have to get up in front of my peers, but I didn’t know when or what my part was going to be! So as you might have guessed, I basically missed the whole teaching until after my 3 minutes was up. He finally called my name almost an hour into it. By then I was SO exhausted from trying to be ready and not make a mistake and be perfect while up there. When my 3 minutes was up and I got back on my mat I literally felt whipped. I had spent so much mental energy in that last hour that I had literally missed it. I realized, I spend ALOT of time up in my head.. and missing many moments of my day. It was huge, being able to compare the 2 classes that day (the morning, grounded and focused, the afternoon, scattered and flighty.) and see what a tremendous difference presence makes on so many levels. It was a HUGE drain on my energy being so not present.
My intention is going to be to try and be more aware of where my head is at day to day. I want to be present to all the good and bad and deal with it as it comes, not be preparing for a battle in my brain that may never come and in the meantime miss the funny, grounding real moments any more! I realize this could be a very long journey, and that is okay.. if each day I can catch myself just once more than I did the day before it will all add up.. into some real moments, present moments.. life moments.