I sat at the lake today.. a beautiful vermont lake on a gorgeous summer day. Big puffy clouds,, deep blue sky. Lots of people and laughter. The water temperature perfect.
I brought my girls and their best friend .. She turns 14 tomorrow. My girls are already 14. Those of you that are moms know how life is completely different with a 14 year old as opposed to a 12 year old.
I sat there thinking… WOW. My life has changed SO much since this year began.. I had no clue this was going to happen… and it kind of SUCKS!
In January, my boyfriend was living with us full time. He was having a hard time finding work, but he was here and it was good. We were to be together forever. Then February 13th came and not only did he have work opportunity in California but he had to decide A) that day and B) Leave by Friday… Before I knew it I was a single mom again and not even sure what happened.
My girls this past year have become increasingly more “teen like”. As far as wanting to be without me… with their “buds”.. On their own. I know this is a natural progression… but between this happening and him moving.. I am left standing here thinking..”huh?” “Where do I fit into all of this?”
Now to be honest with you.. I have been having a SUPER hard time with it all. I don’t usually share the personal, but I am trying to step out of the box. I gotta tell you.. I am scared. My whole world looks different and I don’t know what to do with it. I also just lost a dear client/friend who was only 54 to cancer. SO I see life can be short! I don’t want to sit and wallow in my pity party.. but I am still so shook up and freaked out by it all. I just came back from visiting my boyfriend in California. It wasn’t the best trip. He was supposed to be there 7 months. The job is pretty much just getting going and its month 5. Plus he indirectly let me know if more work comes up he will most likely be staying. That doesn’t bode well for me/us. I live in Vermont.. I am not rich. I can not afford a bi-coastal relationship. Really, is seeing someone every 6-8 weeks a relationship anyways?? We have been together for 9 years… never saw this coming.
I know the one constant we can expect/trust is that change is inevitable. Misery is optional? I am trying to get past the misery. It is hard! My plane ride home I sat next to the cutest couple married 58 years.. he kept putting his arm around her. Today at the lake there was a couple with a bunch of kids.. the couple kept kissing and touching each other… as I sat by myself because the man is in Cali and the girls were off paddling around with their friend. It seems as everyone if moving on without me. Have any of you heard of the serenity prayer? Grant me the courage to accept the things I cannot change (his move, their growth) Changes the things I can (my attitude and see it as a new adventure) and the wisdom to know the difference!
I vow as of right this minute to change my attitude to one of adventure.. who knows what this is all bringing to me right? Time for me to figure out what’s next!! Maybe 6 months or a year from now it will all make sense.. gotta have faith!
here I go.. pushing the publish button….